Who Lifts the Leader?

This week, I counted.

Not my LinkedIn connections. The people I would actually call at 10pm if something went really wrong, and the people whose call I would pick up without thinking twice.

Outside of family and my closest friends, I landed on a handful of people from my working life. Maybe five to ten. Professional friends, I guess. Still friends, nevertheless.

I kept coming back to that list because the last two weeks brought the same question up twice.

On Wednesday, a founder and CEO told me that when a big contract is uncertain, he finds himself softening the truth for his team. Even bad news has to sound like it might turn into good news, because he feels responsible for protecting morale.

Last week, a COO with a leadership team, a board and hundreds of people in their organization admitted there's no one they can really talk to.

Different people, same pattern. The leader feels responsible for everyone else. So who looks after the leader?

I recognize it.

I've had moments in my career that were extremely complicated, tough, and honestly, very educational. Probably two or three really, really low ones.

Nobody on my team could tell. When I speak to some of my former peers today, they tell me they never suspected. Some might have noticed I was a little more tired or stressed, maybe, but nothing that seemed out of the ordinary.

Because I kept showing up. Every single day. Camera on, first call at 7 or 8am, working really hard, pushing to do my best.

I don't think your team should be responsible for carrying your lowest moments. But I could keep showing up that way because I had somewhere else to turn.

I got lucky.

Aside from an incredibly supportive wife, loving parents, an empathetic sister and amazing best friends, I also had enormous trust in the founder of the company whom I could confide in. On top of that, I had a couple of allies inside the business: peers I could be completely honest with, without feeling judged (you know who you are).

What made those relationships so valuable was something I've never quite managed to translate properly into English: bienveillance.

It's more than kindness. It's goodwill with your best interests at heart.

These are people who won't necessarily agree with you. They'll challenge you, give you honest feedback and encourage you to try again. But somehow, they manage to do all of that without making you feel smaller. Honestly, that's the hardest part, but the most important one.

Over the years, some of my strongest professional relationships also grew beyond the work itself. Customers and partners from other companies became real friends. Now that we no longer work together, the business relationship is almost an afterthought.

It usually started with something small. One of us shared an anecdote that made us a little more vulnerable. The other followed. Slowly, trust built up.

Here's what I've come to believe: we need to normalize the fact that founders, CEOs and senior leaders need support, too.

They're expected to be resilient, to make decisions, to reassure people and to keep moving forward. And because so many people depend on them, they can end up feeling that they have nowhere to put their own doubts.

That doesn't mean leaders should hide every struggle from their teams. You can be honest about uncertainty without making your employees responsible for your emotional well-being.

But you need somewhere you can stop being the person with the answers.

I think many founders are so busy building their teams and their businesses that they forget to keep building the relationships that will sustain them, too.

And those relationships need to exist before you need them. You can't wait until everything gets difficult to start looking for people you trust. Family and friends matter enormously, but you also need a few people outside of them - people who understand your world and know what it means to carry the weight.

So what does my list look like today?

Honestly, not that different from two years ago. But in the last few months, I've met some incredible people I already feel I could call, and who would pick up.

Sometimes you click with someone surprisingly quickly. You learn from each other, energize each other, and feel safe enough to be honest. When your gut tells you there's something there, I think it's worth paying attention.

What's changed is how grateful I am for the relationships I already have, and how much more intentional I want to be about building new ones.

And how much I want to be that person for someone else.

Leaving a leadership role doesn't make those relationships any less important. If anything, it reminds me that leading and lifting people was never just about having a team reporting to me.

It's about the people you work with, the people you learn from, the people you trust, and the people who trust you in return.

Everything is still about people.

So nurture those relationships. Send the text. Make the call. Have the coffee. Tell people what they mean to you, while you have the chance. Tell them that things would have been harder without them.

And be that person for them, too.

Human connections are everything. And they're never a given.

Who's on your 10pm list - and when did you last tell them what they mean to you?

See you next Friday, -Laurie 🤍